A Crisis of Connection

To say that the last few months have not been conducive to mental health would be an understatement. Our fundamental way of relating has been upended by COVID-19 and the restrictions in place to prevent its spread. The human elements of small talk (regardless of your like or dislike of it), gestures of kindness, and physical touch have been eliminated from daily encounters, and many of those encounters have been eliminated almost altogether. Opportunities for contact and connection have diminished to weekly trips to the grocery store or distant waves from behind a screen or a mask. Even with the opportunity to gather, there remains a sense of psychological distance between people who cannot ignore the inherent risk of human contact. 

In the counseling space, we often talk about "protective factors." These are personal or environmental characteristics that help an individual to mitigate risk and decrease the likelihood of negative health outcomes. Almost overnight, a huge protective factor against mental disturbance and dysfunction was pulled out from under us. This protective factor is so commonplace, so much a part of our daily landscape, so ubiquitous, that it often falls into the category of "additional support" rather than the category of "basic need." Though not completely, we lost something significant and incredibly protective in the wake of COVID-19: connection to one another.

Physical and Psychological Impacts

There is a temptation at times to treat relationships as an addition to life rather than the core, energetic source of it. And yet, people do not function well outside of relationship, even individuals with more introverted or independent dispositions. Humans are wired for connection. Without it, there is greater risk for not only psychological illness, but physical illness as well.

We feel the impact on our bodies. Recent studies have shown the profound impact of loneliness on physical health screenings over time including a 30% increase in early death, 29% increased risk of heart disease, and a 32% increased risk of stroke. The impact of the loneliness epidemic on physical health is comparable to smoking and obesity.

We feel the impact on our minds. Distorted thinking styles that are typically checked by others and self-corrected in shared conversation, are given carte blanche to filter out the positives, see situations in only black-and-white terms, overgeneralize/minimize information, or engage in catastrophizing or mind-reading. Inner critics become loud and irrational thinking begins to sound entirely reasonable that we believe it without question or critique. Additionally, learning and growth are impaired in isolation, as the brain requires human presence to integrate information cohesively.

We feel the impact on our emotions. When deprived of social contact or adequate social support, we are more susceptible to anxiety, depression, and other common mental illnesses. Without a supportive, containing human presence, we can experience acute emotional distress or general emotional dysregulation. This fact is evidenced by infants who experience distress when their bids for attention are not recognized or responded to.

We feel the impact on our ability to cope. Distressing events are magnified and the inner and outer resources available for problem solving seem to disappear. We are less able to cope with challenges as they arise because (1) we feel a lack of support and carry the burden of responsibility alone and (2) we lack another perspective on how to deal with the distressing situation. (Never underestimate the value of talking through an issue with someone who may be able to see clearly an obvious solution that you are missing.)

Relationships are vital for regulating our internal operating systems. They promote cohesiveness and harmony. We are vulnerable without them. They hold us together in essential ways and without this vital protective factor of human connection, our risk for impairment increases.

How is Your Relational Health Doing?

Take a moment to read through the following statements. While not a formal questionnaire or assessment, considering the validity of the following statements can give you a sense of how your relationships are influencing your mental health.

• There are several people who I trust to share my challenges with and who help me to solve problems

• There is at least one person who takes pride in and celebrates my achievements

• When I feel lonely, I know that I will be able to reach out to someone and feel adequately supported

• I have a few, trusted individuals that I can share intimate parts of my life and personal problems with

• I am one source of support for others who are in need of help but do not feel depleted or drained by helping behaviors

• I feel that my voice will be heard when I have something important to say and respected if I express disagreement

• I have a mixture of light-hearted and serious interactions with family, friends, co-workers, and acquaintances

• I feel that I have strengths and positive qualities to contribute to a person or group

• I feel included, appreciated, and valued by the people around me for who I am

• I am comfortable sharing emotions, both positive and negative, with close friends

• I trust that the things I tell close friends in confidence will be kept private and not be spread around

• If I were to get sick, I know that someone would be there to offer support if they were able to

• I engage in at least one social activity during the week that connects me to a group

If you were able to agree with several of these statements, it is likely that you are feeling balanced and connected in your relational sphere. If not, welcome to 2020- or at least to an overwhelming majority of people who experience a lack of connection in their relationships. Though the pandemic has certainly limited connection, it may have also highlighted just how disconnected some of us have been before it ever began. And connection is an important thing to regain if it does provide protection and buffer against of mental illness, especially in times of crisis.

If you struggle to connect with others, therapy is one of many resources that can help you cultivate real connection in your relationships. If you are ready to do the work of connecting (and it is work), please reach out to one of our therapists or email to set up a counseling appointment. Connecting is not easy, but it is the most meaningful work you will ever do.