Stress! I feel it, I know you feel it, and it sucks the life out of us. Stress is an all too common part of our lives and cannot completely be avoided. There are manageable moments of stress that can be good for us and lead to action or problem solving, but that’s not the stress I’m talking about. The stress that really gets us down is usually more long-term, chronic stress related to our jobs, finances, or relationships among other things. I have been thinking a lot about stress lately as I have experienced some life changes over the past several months that have left me feeling overwhelmed and depleted.

I believe that all the life experiences I have had make me a better therapist, and I am continually trying to make meaning out of hardships that we all endure, but to be honest, it has been hard lately. I am teaching skills, empathizing and relating all day long and at times, feeling like a fraud as I struggle to manage my own stress. Obviously, I needed to take some time and do a little work of my own and in doing so, I have identified some faulty ways of thinking that are causing me (and many clients I work with) stress. I have had a mind shift that I think may be helpful for you too if you are dealing with chronic stress.

Why do we have stress? What is it?

In short, stress is our body and mind’s reactions to a threatening situation which causes physical and psychological symptoms. That may be helpful when we need to react fast to save our life or someone else’s, but not so helpful when it’s chronic and unmanaged in our day-to-day.

 Almost all stress is caused by wanting this moment to be something it’s not.

Let that sink in a minute….How can this idea be applied to the stress in your own life? Far too often we are stuck in patterns of spending too much time thinking about what could happen in the future (where we can’t control anything) or what did happen in the past (where we also no longer have control over anything.)

Chronic stress is truly a thinking problem. Thinking this moment should be a certain way, some arbitrary idea we have come up with that will meet the needs of how our egos believe things “should” be. Stress is perpetuated by getting stuck in some common faulty thinking traps. The good news? Once we recognize the thinking traps we are stuck in, we can challenge the beliefs that keep us there, using mindfulness and acceptance.

Peace comes with accepting this moment for everything it has to show us.

 

Thinking Traps That Lead to Stress:

1.)   Inflexible thinking (Rock-Brain) -most of us have an idea of the outcomes we would like to have in situations, whether that is leaving the house at a certain time in the morning, having ideas about how our partners should respond in a conflict, or belief that our way of doing things is the ONLY way.  Having general expectations about situations can keep us grounded but being too attached to fixed outcomes causes stress!

How to beat Rock-Brain? Step back, explore options, have an open mind and willingness to modify the picture you have in your head of how you thought things should go. Who put those thoughts there anyway? Were those expectations even realistic? Could there be another way that will also be “OK” in the end?

 2.)   Mind Reading- This one happens when we believe we know what others are thinking, and assume it is the worst about us. Believing we know what others are thinking without checking in with them first can cause mounds of unnecessary stress!

How to beat Mind Reading? Ask yourself what the evidence is for making assumptions about what others are thinking?  Could there be an alternative view to your own? We are often guilty of assuming another’s reactions are because of us or related to us, but most often they have little to do with us. Remembering this can be helpful in managing this thinking trap. We may even be able to increase connection with one another and manage our stress if we notice someone appears to be experiencing something negative and exploring what else could be causing discomfort  (because if they haven’t said so, we won’t assume it has anything to do with us).

3.)   Fortune telling- our inability to be comfortable with ambiguity can cause us to get stuck in this thinking trap when we predict that things will turn out badly as a way to safeguard ourselves from future When we believe that the outcome will be bad, we tend to act in ways that can cause self-fulfilling prophesies—that is stressful!

How to beat Fortune Telling? Accept that you cannot, in-fact, tell the future. Maybe you have a reason to believe a situation will turn out badly based on past experience, but this way of thinking is faulty because it does not take into account that this is a NEW SITUATION and you are a DIFFERENT PERSON than you may have been the last time. The truth is, not only can we not predict if something will end up badly, we can’t assume that our narrow perspective about good/bad is accurate. How many of us have had a situation happen that we thought would be “awful” just to find out later that without that “awful” time, we wouldn’t have been brought to more positive opportunities? Unknown ≠ bad. Unknown = new opportunities, maybe bigger than you ever thought possible!

4.)   Labeling- Labeling happens when you attach a negative label about yourself/someone else or a situation you’re in, instead of acknowledging this was just a single event or mistake. This thinking trap causes stress by having us believe that we’re “stupid,” “unloveable” “incapable,” or “a failure.” Or that a situation is “awful,” “horrible,” or “irreparable.” It’s hard to believe there could be any good in us or unexpected situations when we assign these types of negative labels?

How to beat Labeling? Recognize when it’s happening so you can stop over-generalizing. You are not a failure if you fail at something. You are not unloveable if you make a mistake. The situation is not “terrible” if it all doesn’t go just to plan. Mistakes happen, lapses in judgement happen. Instead of beating yourself up about it, look at the situation for what you may be able to learn from it.

5.)   Should Statements- Anyone else guilty of “shoulding?” Thoughts like “I should be more successful,” “I should have seen this coming,” “I should be happier,” or “I shouldn’t be overwhelmed” do little to help us manage stress and instead leave us feeling inadequate and ill prepared to handle the stressors of life.

How to beat Should Statements- Ask yourself, “says who?” If the answer is you, that’s easy, choose a different, more realistic and helpful thought. You get to choose where you focus your thoughts, after all!  If the answer is someone else or society, evaluate why their opinion means so much, and explore whether or not you may be Mind Reading. I am working to adopt the belief that whatever is happening is exactly what “should” be happening. Do I know why it’s happening? Maybe not, but I can decide to take from this moment anything I can and move on, without the added stress baggage.

We spend so much time stuck in our heads that we are missing the best parts of life. We are in a chronic state of being stressed and depressed and it’s an epidemic that has great mental and physical health consequences. I hope learning about some of these stress inducing thinking traps will help you to recognize when you’re stuck in them, and how you can make your way out to a more calm and centered way of existing!